Its summer, 36 degrees of remorseless heat; yet I feel cold. Sweat covers my forehead but I quiver. Something does not seem right. I live in the dark… it's rainy, it's cold, it's wet and it's gloomy. Yet outside my window, I see the sun shining, children playing and people cursing the sun. They seem to want respite from the heat. Am I too afraid to venture out in the sun without you? Is it your company that I long? Or is it just that I'm too broken inside?

I've shut down the windows and drawn the curtains. I have turned off the lights as well. I smoke and smoke and smoke some more, wishing that you could come and fight with me and ask me to stop… tell me things that I already know… get angry with me and assure me that I am not just a dog begging for a piece of bone… even a used up bone!

I don't eat anymore… I don't smile. I live in solitude wishing that I had never wished us apart. I punish myself for being the kind of jerk that I have always been; pretending that I could support myself. But I never stop thinking about you.

Death too seems to be ignorant to take me along with her… I wait in anticipation for a miracle which would never happen. I have loved too little and cared too less for people who mattered. I gambled all my happiness away in search of some illusion. I gambled and lost everything.

I wish to eternity that you were here now… just like the old days when the curve of your smile could set everything straight. When the touch of your hand on mine seemed to assure me of achieving the impossible, when the tear in your eyes did not make me helpless but rather gave me the courage to stand up for everything I'm worth and reduce your pain… just like old times. And though I made you cry, I cried too… silently… with the pillow absorbing the tears.

I remember how you felt that there was something wrong even when I smiled. I remember your endless chatter filling my dreams and my thoughts when you were not there… I remember the words of encouragement you gave. I remember the aroma of the food you prepared… simple yet delicious… I remember not eating because I was angry… and how you didn't eat too…

Those old photograph of yours which we saw together so many times… I wish I had some more! For memories fade but pictures speak a thousand words…!!! I wished I was more considerate and loved you more than all the materialistic things I was running after. I wish I was there when you needed me. I wished I had never left you alone to fight the battles of life.

Now, you are no more with me. Although I know that you loved me and I never told you enough how much I did too… I want to be with you again, cry like a baby and you would comfort me. I know you would wipe off my tears with your pallu and kiss my forehead… just like old times. I wish you could make the same tasty Gajaar ka halwa that I loved so much.

Maa… It's difficult to live without you… please come back… I'm too lonely without you. Or Maa, just take me where you have gone… and let others mourn my death…..!!!