My Best Friend..!!

We do realize the value of friends when we are all alone. I love to be alone yet today I feel all the more lonely. I feel like its not worth living anymore.





It was raining this morning and I went upstairs. The open Terrace seemed to invite me, to share its loneliness. I could sense a bit of calm in the morning rain. It was quiet... very quiet.. no kids shouting.. no drilling.. no honking horns.. no dogs barking.. no birds chirping.... just eerie silence. All I could hear was the steady beats of my heart and the sound of raindrops landing all around me..!!

I looked down.. I wondered what it would be like if I jumped. Would I die or survive with a few fractures or be paralyzed and live like a fucking vegetable... not that I'm doing a great job living anyways...!!! They say, "There is a difference between Living and Surviving"... but, how the fuck am I supposed to know when all I do is - be a burden on self and others. I think the concept of Mercy Killing should be legalized. I don't understand this thing about cops arresting you when you attempt a suicide. I mean, Its my life, ain't it? I'm free to do what I fucking want with it..!!! I tried to think positive. Reminded me of the quote, "When Life Gives You Lemons.. Don't Make a Fuckin' Lemonade.. Ask For Tequila and Salt.." But drinking seldom helps. You drink all you want and get on others nerves..!! Its fucking disgusting..!!


My thoughts thankfully were interrupted my a sudden gush of blood chilling cold breeze. Death has cold hands, I've been told. I moved away from the edge of the terrace, wondering how it would feel to see Death right in the eye!!!! Confused thoughts remained with me even when I came back to my room... What the fuck is wrong with me??? I decided to do something other than just sitting my ass in front of the laptop. I cleaned the room which took nearly 2 hours.!! Time well spent I thought!!! I showered and wondered, what to do next..!!! I needed to do something to avoid getting into depression or worse, having a fucking nervous breakdown. I decided to play some games on my Laptop, however after 8 minutes of mindless games, I got bored...!!!


Just then, I saw my pack of Cigarettes.. I have been trying hard to reduce smoking... I had been successful in cutting down from 20 cigarettes to 4-6 cigarettes a day. The urge to smoke was overpowering. I lit the cigarette and suddenly felt better. As I inhaled, i felt the warm smoke rush to my oxygen deprived lungs!!!! I was no more alone. I had the company of my Cigarettes, and I loved it...









Who says that Friends have to be Human???!!!!!



Warning: Cigarette Smoking is Injurious to You and All Around You. Think Twice before you light up!!!

The Message

Before you all send me notes to say how unlucky I have been, let me assure you that this story is a work of fiction.

Now…

It rained… It rained heavily… I stood outside her apartment wondering if I should go inside. It was 1:58 AM. It was the darkest night of the month. Dark clouds covered the sky threatening never to fade. Morning seemed to be far away. And my mind was still at the airport, wishing that she would not leave. I was totally shattered. Watching her leave was indeed the hardest thing I had done in my not so successful life till now.

 

Few hours back…

With the airport for the backdrop, there stood two people - one madly in love with the other and the other who did not believe in love. One who was about to build a promising career and the other who failed again to convince the lady of his dreams that she was the one for him and it would be a horrible mistake if they did not give the relationship one chance.

Just when she was about to leave, she looked at me and said, "Listen to this very carefully." My heart fluttered. I was sure that it missed a beat. She looked straight at me and said, "We cannot get married… no way… it's not possible. I'm sure about it… 200%"

All my hopes were shattered. This was the truth. I knew it right from the beginning.

"We could be friends," she said.

"Yes." I said. "'Friends'… is all right" I smiled. I could not believe that she actually believed in what I said. I was being sarcastic.

"You know, we could show everyone that a boy and a girl can be good friends," she said.

"Hmm… Sure…" is all I could manage.

"All right then, I shall call you when I reach." She said. She turned to leave. No final good-bye. No hand- shake, no peck on the cheek. No brief hug…!

"Hey," I called back. She turned. "You know, a boy and a girl can be really good friends only if one of them is not head-over-heels in love with the other," saying that, I turned around and left. I desperately wanted to look back and see her for the last time… but I did not. I did not want this to be my last memory of her.

I discretely wiped off a tear which was about to cross the threshold of my eyes. She was leaving and I was pretty sure she was not coming back. I had asked her to marry me. She said that she could not. For reasons which seemed stupid to me. She said that her parents won't agree and that we are not a good match for each other (I still wonder what she meant by that).

I don't really know when I fell in love with her. Maybe it was during the first time that we shared a rickshaw or maybe it was the time someone commented on how pretty she was and I said that she was my girlfriend. Or maybe it was during a certain festival celebration when she stood before me and tried to mirror my moves. Or maybe just one of those numerous times we chatted for hours on end. I don't know for sure.

She knew about my feelings for her and she never once made fun of those. Although she never reciprocated, I was happy that she was still friends with me. Every day I looked forward to seeing her in the evening. No matter how tired she was, she always made it a point to wear a smile on her face. I could make out sometimes that the smiles were just a show-off to cover what was hidden inside. She never shared her feelings and her troubles with me… she said that she hated it when people gave her puppy eyed look.

So many thoughts were running simultaneously in my mind. My mind was numb and I could barely think. I looked back at all the times we fought and cried… and unlike what people say, it brought tears to my eyes.

 

Now…

I had the keys to her apartment. I wondered if I should go inside.
I was drenched. The rain chilled me to the bone. We did not live together, yet I felt the need to go to her place to absorb the last few moments of nothingness while she was gone. I turned on the switch. No electricity… damn..!!

I came inside the room; most of her stuff was still there. Crumpled sheets lay on her bed. The sweet smell of her perfume filled the room. The little posters saying, 'I love myself' adorned her walls. The green curtains which I always thought were amazing fluttered in the cool breeze.

I sat down on the window-still and reached for my cigarettes. As much as I wanted to smoke, I did not. I threw the pack on the sofa and kept on listening to the thunder outside. I looked at my watch; it was 3:09 AM.

Just then I heard footsteps. I heard the door knob clicking. As the door opened, the lights came on. It was her!!! "What the hell are you doing here?" I exclaimed. She smiled. She dropped her bags near the door and walked towards me. I was shocked and thrilled at the same time.

All she said before melting in my arms was, ""You know, a boy and a girl can be really good friends only if one of them is not head-over-heels in love with the other… but what if both of them are head-over-heels in love with each other?"

We stood besides the window and kissed. This was our first kiss. It was amazing. I could taste her tears on her lips. We kissed for what seemed like eternity. Finally we caught our breaths. She suggested that we needed to change else we could catch flu.

She went to the bathroom to get changed. Just then my phone beeped. It was a message. Who could be messaging me at this time I wondered. I removed the cell phone. It was a message from her. It said, "I have boarded the flight. Hope to talk to you soon!"

    ~The End~

Its Good To be Depressed!!!

You know what the best part of being depressed & being rejected is?

I know, you might think that I’m crazy. How could there possibly be something positive in being rejected? I too did not believe in this philosophy until just recently. So, what made me write about this? If you guessed that I’ve been engulfed by moroseness, you are right. Things don’t always happen the way you want them to happen.

I was watching the movie “Music and Lyrics” last night; I came across a rather appealing conversation between Huge Grant and Drew Barrymore:



D.B: Dylan came up to you and said, ‘Alex Fletcher, you are a horrible song writer.’ How would you react? HG: I would be horribly depressed. But then, after months of brooding I would find a lyricist and write a song about how horribly depressed I was. And it would be a big hit, everyone would love me, and I’d make lots of money. Suddenly I would be a lot less depressed then if I just sat around being a little bit self indulgent, letting my misery eat away at me until I become an emotional wreck and creatively completely moribund.

My point is this, being depressed is easy. All we can do is tell everyone how eternally depressed we are and keep pondering in perpetuity. It’s not that I did not mourn over the rubble of broken pieces of my heart and cry until I could cry no more. I did, honestly. And the worst part is the pain in the cheeks because of the ‘Fake’ smile and the torment within because no one seems to understand.

This time around, I realised – Nobody really dies of a broken heart, even if you want to. You just have to pick up the pieces n try to put everything together again. As difficult as it sounds, it is actually fairly easy.

So, coming back to the best part of being depressed and rejected... I found out that being depressed actually helps. I was alone and had some time for introspection. I had time to figure out what went wrong. What could I have done better? How could I have been a better person? I figured out that you can’t make someone like you no matter how good you are or how much you care. All I could do was care and love unconditionally. The ‘something’ inside me gave me strength to pull myself out of the ruins I had fallen into. All it takes to get over something depressing is a little bit of motivation and a little bit of inclination towards not being depressed. In some cases, it might take crates of ice-cream or chocolates or cigarettes (like in my case) or food (again, like in my case).

The feeling of triumph is so very real!!!

On second thoughts, all this is just bull-shit. I still feel horrible and it makes me want to question my very existence....!!!!!!

I am so lonely without you..
I wonder if u could ever be mine..
I hear the mobile beep and,
I see Its not you..
I want to be with you right now
I am so lonely without you..

I pretend to smile at others
I feel a void in my life..
I touch the hands of time
I worry that I might need to learn to live without you
I cry when I think about you leaving
I am so lonely without you..

I understand you dont believe in love anymore
I say just give me one chance dearest...
I dream about you when I sleep & when I'm awake
I try to be normal in this obnoxious world..
I hope that you miss me too...
I am so lonely without you..