I'm Glad

I'm Glad to be crying.. for I know I have emotions..!!

I'm glad that I feel pain.. for I've let someone enter my heart..!!

I'm glad I fall sick.. for I'm not alone and friends care..!!

I'm glad I fall down when I run.. for I can stand and walk and run on my own..!!

I'm glad that I feel jealous sometimes.. for I know what I lack..!!

I'm glad for all the days in hostel I've starved.. for I know that I can eat anything I want..!!

I'm glad to have my heart ripped apart.. for I know that the one for me is just around the corner.!!

I'm glad to make enemies.. for I know that I'm competitive..!!

I'm glad that I can be alone for a while.. for I know, that I can always turn to someone who will always be there!!

I'm glad that my father is upset with me.. for I know that he will be immensely proud of me one day.!!

I’m glad to have had just a couple of shirts... for I know that I care for what’s mine..!!

I’m glad to not have a jolly childhood… for I know that I will give my kids all that they need..!!

Moreover I’m glad that “YOU” left.. for I would never know what it was like to lose “Everything”!!

A Poem

Us nay dooor rehney ka mashwara bhi likhaa hay
Sath hi muhabbat ka wasta bhi likha hay

Us nay yeh bhi likhaa hay merey ghar nahee ana
Aur saaf lafzon main raasta bhi likhaa hay

Kuch haroof(shabd) likhey hain zabt ki nassehat main
Kuch haroof main us nay hosla bhi likha hay

Shukriya bhi likhaa hay dil sey yaad karney ka
Dil sey dil ka kitna hay faasla bhi likha hay

The Recurring Dream…

It was a recurring dream and it was always the same.... You stood in front of me, expressionless. I had tears in my eyes. All you say is, "Good bye!" Then you turn around and leave. I stand there helpless, too overwhelmed with emotions to be able to say anything.
I woke up with a start. My pillow was drenched with tears... again!! I looked at the clock right besides the night-stand. It showed 5: 47 AM. "Not again," I said to myself. The time was the same too. I was not sure why I kept having the same dream. I could not go back to sleep but I didn't want to wake up. I lay in bed, thinking about you, wishing that you would come back. But I had long ago accepted the fact that you will be gone forever.
I suddenly remembered how madly I was in love with you. I relived the moment I told you about my feelings, over and over in my head. Every time that I thought of you, I realized that I missed an important part of me.
The day you were about to leave, I remember telling you, "wait for me if you can. We will work something out." You smiled, just as if to make me remind me that you had already made up your mind. 
"Why do you want to marry me?" you asked. 
Imagine my predicament when I did not have an answer that could satisfy you. I always thought that I was good with words and that I could convince anyone. The reality check brought me back to earth. I did not have an answer to your question. I just knew that I loved you and that you were the one girl I could spend my entire life with. I was positive that I could keep you happy even if that meant fighting sometimes. I was sure that your touch was the only thing which could comfort me when I felt miserable. All I wanted was a chance to prove that I was not a player and that I cared about you and could go to the end of the world just so that you would not feel an ounce of pain. I did try very hard to convince you but you seemed oblivious to the turmoil of emotions within me.

As I watched you go, I silently prayed to God, to keep you happy and give you all that you were looking for in life. I did also pray with all my heart that you would return. Maybe the distance between us would make you realize that we were meant to be together. But it didn't. Four months later someone told me that you were engaged. I was shattered. It took me over 3 months to get out of depression. Thanks to my closest friends who took great care of me during this period. I had become an emotional wreck. I avoided all calls, stayed up late in office, lost a few pounds. A number of times I found myself staring into nothingness or engulfed in a trance. Almost six months later, you had called. I did not want to go back being miserable so I didn't receive your call. I changed my mobile number that very day. I had now fully accepted the fact that 'WE' ain't happening.

Just then the alarm went off. It was 6:15 AM. My wife stirred in the bed. "Are you up already?" she asked. "Why don't you turn off that alarm? We don't want to wake up the neighbors, do we?" she said. "Good Morning," I smiled and kissed her on the forehead. She snuggled against me. I could smell the sweet scent of shampoo. She always shampooed her hair before going off to sleep. Her hair was still damp. I touched her cheek with the back of my fingers. "Time to get up Sweets," I said. Just as she was about to get up, she cupped my face in her hands... I smiled and kissed the palm of her hand.
I married almost a year after I heard that you got engaged. I was good at pretending to love my wife. No matter how much I convinced myself that I was over you, I knew deep down that I still loved you and no matter what I did, that fact was not going to change.
It's been nearly a year and a half after you left. Professionally I was doing ok. Yet sometimes I did find myself struggling with reality and smoking

excessively. Today was a special day. I was getting promoted. The head of the company was flying down all the way from Australia. I was excited. I would be offered a chance to work at our corporate office in Melbourne. I had dreamt of this day ever since I had joined the organization. Just six hours until the dream metamorphosed into reality. Just as I was about to take a nicotine break, my secretary buzzed me. I had a visitor. I didn't bother to ask who it was. "Send right through" I said.
The door of my cabin opened. You stood there smiling. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. You came inside. I heard the click of the latch as the glass door shut quietly. 
"You asked me to wait, I waited..." you said. "So, will you marry me?" 
You smiled. 
All I did was remind myself to keep breathing. 
 "What happened? Are you not happy that I'm proposing? Do you want me kneel and beg for you to marry me?" You were still smiling. 

You came towards me and held my hand. Your touch was tantalizing. I could feel your palm pressing down on my wedding ring. I looked at the framed picture of my wife. I could feel your eyes following my gaze. You looked at the photo and stood up. You stood in front of me, expressionless. I had tears in my eyes. All you say is, "Good bye!" Then you turn around and leave. I stand there helpless, too overwhelmed with emotions to say anything….!!!

 

 

~ The End ~

My Best Friend..!!

We do realize the value of friends when we are all alone. I love to be alone yet today I feel all the more lonely. I feel like its not worth living anymore.





It was raining this morning and I went upstairs. The open Terrace seemed to invite me, to share its loneliness. I could sense a bit of calm in the morning rain. It was quiet... very quiet.. no kids shouting.. no drilling.. no honking horns.. no dogs barking.. no birds chirping.... just eerie silence. All I could hear was the steady beats of my heart and the sound of raindrops landing all around me..!!

I looked down.. I wondered what it would be like if I jumped. Would I die or survive with a few fractures or be paralyzed and live like a fucking vegetable... not that I'm doing a great job living anyways...!!! They say, "There is a difference between Living and Surviving"... but, how the fuck am I supposed to know when all I do is - be a burden on self and others. I think the concept of Mercy Killing should be legalized. I don't understand this thing about cops arresting you when you attempt a suicide. I mean, Its my life, ain't it? I'm free to do what I fucking want with it..!!! I tried to think positive. Reminded me of the quote, "When Life Gives You Lemons.. Don't Make a Fuckin' Lemonade.. Ask For Tequila and Salt.." But drinking seldom helps. You drink all you want and get on others nerves..!! Its fucking disgusting..!!


My thoughts thankfully were interrupted my a sudden gush of blood chilling cold breeze. Death has cold hands, I've been told. I moved away from the edge of the terrace, wondering how it would feel to see Death right in the eye!!!! Confused thoughts remained with me even when I came back to my room... What the fuck is wrong with me??? I decided to do something other than just sitting my ass in front of the laptop. I cleaned the room which took nearly 2 hours.!! Time well spent I thought!!! I showered and wondered, what to do next..!!! I needed to do something to avoid getting into depression or worse, having a fucking nervous breakdown. I decided to play some games on my Laptop, however after 8 minutes of mindless games, I got bored...!!!


Just then, I saw my pack of Cigarettes.. I have been trying hard to reduce smoking... I had been successful in cutting down from 20 cigarettes to 4-6 cigarettes a day. The urge to smoke was overpowering. I lit the cigarette and suddenly felt better. As I inhaled, i felt the warm smoke rush to my oxygen deprived lungs!!!! I was no more alone. I had the company of my Cigarettes, and I loved it...









Who says that Friends have to be Human???!!!!!



Warning: Cigarette Smoking is Injurious to You and All Around You. Think Twice before you light up!!!

The Message

Before you all send me notes to say how unlucky I have been, let me assure you that this story is a work of fiction.

Now…

It rained… It rained heavily… I stood outside her apartment wondering if I should go inside. It was 1:58 AM. It was the darkest night of the month. Dark clouds covered the sky threatening never to fade. Morning seemed to be far away. And my mind was still at the airport, wishing that she would not leave. I was totally shattered. Watching her leave was indeed the hardest thing I had done in my not so successful life till now.

 

Few hours back…

With the airport for the backdrop, there stood two people - one madly in love with the other and the other who did not believe in love. One who was about to build a promising career and the other who failed again to convince the lady of his dreams that she was the one for him and it would be a horrible mistake if they did not give the relationship one chance.

Just when she was about to leave, she looked at me and said, "Listen to this very carefully." My heart fluttered. I was sure that it missed a beat. She looked straight at me and said, "We cannot get married… no way… it's not possible. I'm sure about it… 200%"

All my hopes were shattered. This was the truth. I knew it right from the beginning.

"We could be friends," she said.

"Yes." I said. "'Friends'… is all right" I smiled. I could not believe that she actually believed in what I said. I was being sarcastic.

"You know, we could show everyone that a boy and a girl can be good friends," she said.

"Hmm… Sure…" is all I could manage.

"All right then, I shall call you when I reach." She said. She turned to leave. No final good-bye. No hand- shake, no peck on the cheek. No brief hug…!

"Hey," I called back. She turned. "You know, a boy and a girl can be really good friends only if one of them is not head-over-heels in love with the other," saying that, I turned around and left. I desperately wanted to look back and see her for the last time… but I did not. I did not want this to be my last memory of her.

I discretely wiped off a tear which was about to cross the threshold of my eyes. She was leaving and I was pretty sure she was not coming back. I had asked her to marry me. She said that she could not. For reasons which seemed stupid to me. She said that her parents won't agree and that we are not a good match for each other (I still wonder what she meant by that).

I don't really know when I fell in love with her. Maybe it was during the first time that we shared a rickshaw or maybe it was the time someone commented on how pretty she was and I said that she was my girlfriend. Or maybe it was during a certain festival celebration when she stood before me and tried to mirror my moves. Or maybe just one of those numerous times we chatted for hours on end. I don't know for sure.

She knew about my feelings for her and she never once made fun of those. Although she never reciprocated, I was happy that she was still friends with me. Every day I looked forward to seeing her in the evening. No matter how tired she was, she always made it a point to wear a smile on her face. I could make out sometimes that the smiles were just a show-off to cover what was hidden inside. She never shared her feelings and her troubles with me… she said that she hated it when people gave her puppy eyed look.

So many thoughts were running simultaneously in my mind. My mind was numb and I could barely think. I looked back at all the times we fought and cried… and unlike what people say, it brought tears to my eyes.

 

Now…

I had the keys to her apartment. I wondered if I should go inside.
I was drenched. The rain chilled me to the bone. We did not live together, yet I felt the need to go to her place to absorb the last few moments of nothingness while she was gone. I turned on the switch. No electricity… damn..!!

I came inside the room; most of her stuff was still there. Crumpled sheets lay on her bed. The sweet smell of her perfume filled the room. The little posters saying, 'I love myself' adorned her walls. The green curtains which I always thought were amazing fluttered in the cool breeze.

I sat down on the window-still and reached for my cigarettes. As much as I wanted to smoke, I did not. I threw the pack on the sofa and kept on listening to the thunder outside. I looked at my watch; it was 3:09 AM.

Just then I heard footsteps. I heard the door knob clicking. As the door opened, the lights came on. It was her!!! "What the hell are you doing here?" I exclaimed. She smiled. She dropped her bags near the door and walked towards me. I was shocked and thrilled at the same time.

All she said before melting in my arms was, ""You know, a boy and a girl can be really good friends only if one of them is not head-over-heels in love with the other… but what if both of them are head-over-heels in love with each other?"

We stood besides the window and kissed. This was our first kiss. It was amazing. I could taste her tears on her lips. We kissed for what seemed like eternity. Finally we caught our breaths. She suggested that we needed to change else we could catch flu.

She went to the bathroom to get changed. Just then my phone beeped. It was a message. Who could be messaging me at this time I wondered. I removed the cell phone. It was a message from her. It said, "I have boarded the flight. Hope to talk to you soon!"

    ~The End~

Its Good To be Depressed!!!

You know what the best part of being depressed & being rejected is?

I know, you might think that I’m crazy. How could there possibly be something positive in being rejected? I too did not believe in this philosophy until just recently. So, what made me write about this? If you guessed that I’ve been engulfed by moroseness, you are right. Things don’t always happen the way you want them to happen.

I was watching the movie “Music and Lyrics” last night; I came across a rather appealing conversation between Huge Grant and Drew Barrymore:



D.B: Dylan came up to you and said, ‘Alex Fletcher, you are a horrible song writer.’ How would you react? HG: I would be horribly depressed. But then, after months of brooding I would find a lyricist and write a song about how horribly depressed I was. And it would be a big hit, everyone would love me, and I’d make lots of money. Suddenly I would be a lot less depressed then if I just sat around being a little bit self indulgent, letting my misery eat away at me until I become an emotional wreck and creatively completely moribund.

My point is this, being depressed is easy. All we can do is tell everyone how eternally depressed we are and keep pondering in perpetuity. It’s not that I did not mourn over the rubble of broken pieces of my heart and cry until I could cry no more. I did, honestly. And the worst part is the pain in the cheeks because of the ‘Fake’ smile and the torment within because no one seems to understand.

This time around, I realised – Nobody really dies of a broken heart, even if you want to. You just have to pick up the pieces n try to put everything together again. As difficult as it sounds, it is actually fairly easy.

So, coming back to the best part of being depressed and rejected... I found out that being depressed actually helps. I was alone and had some time for introspection. I had time to figure out what went wrong. What could I have done better? How could I have been a better person? I figured out that you can’t make someone like you no matter how good you are or how much you care. All I could do was care and love unconditionally. The ‘something’ inside me gave me strength to pull myself out of the ruins I had fallen into. All it takes to get over something depressing is a little bit of motivation and a little bit of inclination towards not being depressed. In some cases, it might take crates of ice-cream or chocolates or cigarettes (like in my case) or food (again, like in my case).

The feeling of triumph is so very real!!!

On second thoughts, all this is just bull-shit. I still feel horrible and it makes me want to question my very existence....!!!!!!

I am so lonely without you..
I wonder if u could ever be mine..
I hear the mobile beep and,
I see Its not you..
I want to be with you right now
I am so lonely without you..

I pretend to smile at others
I feel a void in my life..
I touch the hands of time
I worry that I might need to learn to live without you
I cry when I think about you leaving
I am so lonely without you..

I understand you dont believe in love anymore
I say just give me one chance dearest...
I dream about you when I sleep & when I'm awake
I try to be normal in this obnoxious world..
I hope that you miss me too...
I am so lonely without you..